The WORST Valentine's Gift Guide Ever - Dudes

by Jessica Brookman in


Let's Face It: Love/Hate Is In The Air This Time Of Year.

You're either getting excited to be all romantical with someone or you're complaining because Valentine's Day is the worst fucking holiday ever dreamed up by marketing agencies. 

The gift guide for lady valentines is up. And now what to get your dude friend. 

*Note - This gift guide may be skewed by the fact that I currently live in the Silverlake neighborhood of Los Angeles, California.

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  1. TOILETRIES THAT SMELL LIKE OLD-TIMEY THINGS: 
    Like whiskey and tobacco. You get extra points if it comes with a miniature elk or other tiny creature of the wilderness.

  2. PRE-PAID PHONE CARDS:
    Available in basically every corner store in Los Angeles. Though usually advertised as a way to call Central & South America, a good phone card will serve to keep you guys from losing track of each other after his phone gets shut off...Because he probably spent the money for his phone bill on hair products. Oops. 

  3. A FRAMED PICTURE....OF HIM:
    You can print it out from that time he appeared on the blog LOOK AT THAT FUCKING HIPSTER a few years back. 

  4. RAMEN NOODLES:
    You don't want him to starve. Make sure to get 2 packs so you can eat dinner too!

  5. ASSORTED GUITAR PARTS:
    Not enough to actually fix up that old thing he pretends to play, though. Make sure it's just odds and ends or he might try to start a band. 

  6. CONDOMS:
    A perennial favorite! This is as much for you as it is for him. You may say it's selfish to buy a significant other something that YOU need, but the alternatives here are bleak.

  7. A GIFT CERTIFICATE FOR THERAPY: 
    Best if it specifies that this is not couple's therapy. He's on his own! Shhh, shhh. It's ok. Everyone hurts. Michael Stipe said it so it must be true. Either way,  see you in a few weeks, baby! 

  8. "I <3 MY PENIS" HAND SANITIZER:

    So, it *might* just be the whiskey/tobacco/mint julep scented toiletries, but his hands smell a little funny. This should help.

  9. A SHOT GUN WEDDING
    Too late for the condoms? Make this Valentine's Day a family affair. 
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Hope you found these gift suggestions helpful. If not, too bad, nobody likes Valentine's Day anyway.

xo, @jessicabrookman