The WORST Valentine's Day Gift Guide Ever - Ladies

by Jessica Brookman in ,


Let's face it: Love/Hate is in the air this time of year.

You're either getting excited to be all romantical with someone or you're complaining because Valentine's Day is the worst fucking holiday ever dreamed up by marketing agencies. Even if you're totally not a consumer whore (you swear!), Valentine's Day usually means that you have some jerks and/or chicks that you need to buy gifts for. 

Luckily, much like his / hers gift guides for Christmas, I am here to save your ass in these trying times, yet again. You are welcome.

1. BALLOONS: 

sorry-balloons.jpg

You, sir, are a jerk. But at least you're a sorry one. Why don't you get your girl some nice balloons letting her know this loud and clear? Apologize and set expectations. Double win. This gift might actually be a great supplement to any of the gifts below. (via Incredible Things

2. ANTI-AGING BEAUTY PRODUCTS:

Do you want to send a clear messages that your girlfriend, under no circumstances, should continue going out in public looking like such a tired hag? Anti-wrinkle cream to the rescue for you, friend. Make sure to include a card that says "Baby, you've been looking tired lately."

3. PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE PRINTS:

Girls love prints. Bonus, you can use these prints avoid addressing pressing relationship issues. This one says "You may be an alcoholic, sweetie, but I support you 100%"

4. THE SNUGGIE SUTRA:

Are you a horny motherfucker but your special lady just isn't revving your engine lately? This book is here to help. It says "Baby, i want to fuck, but only if you cover up!" Don't worry about her being offended because she's secretly thinking the same thing about you. 

5. A KINDLE PRE-LOADED WITH SELF-HELP BOOKS:

Perfect for your dysfunctional, techie book worm? Shows her you care, but not enough to *actually* help. 

6. DETERGENT and A STACK OF QUARTERS: 

Your laundry isn't going to do itself and everyone loves a gift of convenience! 

7. 50 BOYFRIENDS WORSE THAN YOURS

Reminds her that, even though you totally suck, it could always be worse. If you're feeling spendy, there is also 50 DATES WORSE THAN YOURS. 

8. A MIXTAPE:

Every girls loves a mixtape. Make sure the tape has a theme like "I just wanna be fuck buddies," or "I don't actually love you anymore!"

Of course, these are only suggestion. There are a million different ways to be passive-aggressive no thanks to the internet! Get creative!!

Take it away, Snoop Lion. 

...

9. MEDICAL EXPENSES:

Get your girl a trip to the doctors and/or pharmacy....because nothing says "I'll always be with you" like a case of herpes. 


So that's it. I know that this list, literally, could not be improved. It is perfect.

What's the WORST gift you've ever received?  Talk to me in the comments. 

xoxo, @jessicabrookman.

And, don't worry ladies, you'll get your revenge...tomorrow.